Can’t Sleep.

It’s after 1am and I can’t seem to fall asleep. My sister in-law just flew in a few hours ago and my brother and their dogs are just a few hours away. I am glad to have family here. I need them in my life more than ever. But my mind just won’t stop racing about something that has been on my mind and heart heavily the past 2 weeks. Through the past year I have suffered the worse kind of betrayal and hurt possible in a marriage as a husband and a man. And unfortunately, the hurt didn’t stop there. I have taken hit after hit from people I thought were my family or I considered close friends. And unfortunately, over a year later, it hasn’t stopped. And what makes it worse is that it’s connected to the hurt that started it all. I know people are not perfect. I know people will make mistakes. I know this situation has been tough on everyone. But the fact is that I’m sick of it. I honestly can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do. I want to move forward. I don’t what that pain coming up anymore. And so I am struggling with knowing how to move forward in this and what actions to take. I am starting to feel that part of moving forward for me is going to be trying to avoid hearing what other people think or feel of me because they have sided with her as well as keeping a distance from people that can just interact with or hang out with her like nothing ever happened and that everything is fine. Because I end up just being hurt somehow. Maybe that’s me putting up a wall, I don’t know, but after the hits keep coming there is a point where you need to protect yourself. And it’s hard because I feel people just write me off as sensitive to betrayal because of what has happened. But I just can’t keep getting hurt by those people anymore. And after everything that has happened this past year I knew it was only gonna be a matter of time before my walls went back up. Now, I know I’m not totally closed off. I have my counselor and a circle of friends that I have grown closer with over this past year that I am very open with. I have a church that challenges me and makes me feel loved. I am part of a weekly men’s group that I love dearly, I only wish I would have had something like it sooner. And more importantly my heart is more open to God then it has ever been before. So again, I see this more as potentially limiting in order to guard myself a little bit. I just know that I feel like I can’t take any more hits related to the shit I have had to deal with. It just continues a pain that I don’t want to feel anymore as I’m trying to move forward. I’m praying desperately to know the right thing to do. At this point I feel I need to take care of myself, move forward, and carve a new future for my life with God at the helm, my family by my side, and my close friends behind me.