June « 2008 « Brad Moist

4Jun/080

I am no longer at a cross-road

It’s been brewing for a while now.
I am no longer at a cross roads.
I have done everything I can.
I have waited long enough.
I don’t want to live in the past anymore.
I am moving forward.
I am excited about this new chapter of my life.
I believe He can take any situation and create good out of it.
I am excited to take on new challenges.
I am excited about new relationships.
I am thankful for His patience with me.
I am thankful for my family’s patience.
I am thankful for the strength He has given me.
I am grateful for the support and defense that has been given to me.
I am grateful to those who have sheltered and fed me.
I am thankful for new friends.
I am thankful for conversations.
I am having fun. I am cutting loose. I am doing my best to live life.
I am excited about and grateful for the change in me.
I am stronger. I am more sensitive. I am more attentive. I am not who I was.
I have a depth to me that was dormant but alive again.
I am gaining back my self worth back. I am growing my security in HIm.
I will not live in fear.

Hold fast, stay the course, true until death, death before dishonor.
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

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2Jun/080

A weekend and 2 parties later

So, ever since I got back last week from New Hampshire I feel I have been on the go. But it’s been good. I like be busy and having places to go and people to see and hang with. I hate being stuck at home alone. I value and cherish relationships more now than I ever have.

Wednesday last week was Sara Marienthal’s 29th birthday. A bunch of us met up at La Terraza for dinner to celebrate. Fun times with Skwid, Emmy, Beth, the Power’s, and of course the birthday girl herself. But I’m officially sick of mexican food. Bill and I get it every Friday for free at our staff lunch and we go to the same place. I can’t say no, it’s a free lunch. But I think when my time at Zambooie is done I might never eat Mexican again. I then got to see an ol’ Gotee bud, Ben, as we met up at Stogies for a brew and some smokes. Good conversation. He definitely gave me some food for thought about my present situation which I appreciated. He’s got a passionate heart for the Lord.

Thursday night was the season finale of LOST. So of course there was a dinner party at ELM Studio South with a lovely meal prepared by the lovely Lori McNeely. I know I am changing when I’m eating a chicken, spinach, mushroom lasagna and lovin’ it. I’m just sad we won’t have any more of those until 2009. I then headed over to Dan McGuinness to meet up with the ol’ Gotee crew. Eddy of course lives here, but now Jeff has moved back and since Ben was in town and even Jay, we all decided to get together. It was really cool. I don’t think we had all been together like that in about 4 years. It was killer. It would be the most killer men’s small group if we were able to get together weekly. A lot has happened in all of our lives and it’s great to see how God is working and moving in everyone of them.

Friday brought another birthday, this one for James, who turned the big 3-0. I had to repay the favor to him coming out to my 30th, and boy did his party not disappoint. I somehow ended up being better at beer pong than darts or Blongo. I met a lot of new people and enjoyed cutting loose on the dance floor with Anne Marie. I wish I could say it was a late night but it was really a mid-morning. Again, it felt good to cut loose.

Saturday I decided to treat myself. I picked up a friggin’ Playstation 3. I of course got Guitar Hero 3 and now wonder why I never got it before. Anyone who knows me knows I’m an avid air guitar player throughout the day every day. And this game is perfect for me. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to see some videos of me jammin’ out on here next, haha. It was Saturday so that meant that the Saturday Night Supper Crew got together at Wild Wasabi. This time I got a whole roll, the Couple, and loved it. I had been cravin’ it since the last visit and I still am now. PC was missing but Tori and Davy’s cousin Emily came along. We then headed over to Jackson’s for drinks and then Sunset Grille for desserts. Seriously, I’m cravin’ Wild Wasabi right now.

Yesterday I met a very sweet lady and her husband when I sat down in church. One thing I have enjoyed at Grace Center is the random people I will meet. I used to sit down in church and not want to talk to anybody. Now I look forward to it. During worship she must have got a feeling about what I’m going through, obviously from the Lord, and proceeded to write down some verses for me about a new start. And that’s one of the many reasons why I love it there. The Jackson clan, who just moved back to Franklin, showed up as well and so we all along with the Boer’s grabbed lunch together. It was really nice. Again, I felt like the 5th wheel even though there was 4 kids running around, but I am grateful that I have those friendships and am so stoked that Jeff, Liz, and the kids are back. I even picked up Jeff in the evening and headed down to see The Almost. I loved the album when I first heard it last year, and so I was glad I was finally able to see them live. They didn’t disappoint.

There’s already a bunch of stuff on the horizon for this week including the start of a men’s small group, a private screening of Toby’s live concert in a movie theatre, and a gig by SixtyFour...fun times. I’m sorry of these little weekly updates bore you, but I really don’t care.

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1Jun/080

A change of reaction

It’s almost been a year since my world came crashing down. A lot has changed since then. I could easily say my whole life has changed and it would be very true but it doesn’t do it justice. It is the specifics that show the fruits. One thing I know for sure that has changed is my first reaction, my initial response. Before all of this, there were times in my life when I wondered why my first reaction to certain things was not one of prayer. I used to wake up in the morning and hear of my beloved’s nightmares and my first reaction was to say “I’m sorry, it’s not real”. And that was it. My first reaction was not prayer. Sometimes I prayed, but mostly only when she asked. My first reaction wasn’t anything spiritual because God wasn’t the first person I thought to go to. When it had to deal with someone else other than my beloved I went to her but when it had to deal with her, I was stuck. I can remember thinking “Why don’t I have that first reaction to pray for her?” and feeling there was something wrong with that. I believe I feared to let Him in. But now, that has all changed. And I’m not trying to say “hey look at me” but I’m trying to say is that I don’t know how I survived as long as I did without having that first reaction. I have obviously seen the consequences of that as it brought our marriage to the doorstep of destruction but it is ultimately her who has chosen to end it. But I am thankful that my first reaction has changed. And how did it? Because I had to force myself in the beginning to go to Him because she was no longer there and because only through Him would I be able to survive this hell. And now, when I wake up in the middle of the night with painful dreams of her, I immediately go to Him. Sometimes it’s just to say “help” but I know He is listening and I know He cares. It’s all I know to do because I feel at many times that only He can truly understand and only He who wants to listen. Especially when it’s been almost a year many people, not all, seem to have forgotten the devastation that has happened in my life because I feel they don’t want to be bothered with it any more. I feel as if they want me to move on so they feel better or so they can act like nothing has happened and continue friendships with people who have destroyed a marriage or support it’s destruction. People ask me how am I different and the first thing I say is my “response” has changed. I find myself going to Him with everything and usually immediately. So that’s how I know I have changed and continue to change. And yes, I do feel sorry for her that she does not want to take part in this change in me. I feel the things that she desired in a man, the things that I failed at, I am becoming and growing into. I have been told I can’t change. I have been made to feel my failures are unforgivable. But I know that’s not true. Now I may not know of it but I know someday she will realize that. I know that someday the blame will no longer be able to be put solely on me. But I know that this change is not primarily for her, no matter how much I want it to be, it is primarily and ultimately for my Father.