A change of reaction

It’s almost been a year since my world came crashing down. A lot has changed since then. I could easily say my whole life has changed and it would be very true but it doesn’t do it justice. It is the specifics that show the fruits. One thing I know for sure that has changed is my first reaction, my initial response. Before all of this, there were times in my life when I wondered why my first reaction to certain things was not one of prayer. I used to wake up in the morning and hear of my beloved’s nightmares and my first reaction was to say “I’m sorry, it’s not real”. And that was it. My first reaction was not prayer. Sometimes I prayed, but mostly only when she asked. My first reaction wasn’t anything spiritual because God wasn’t the first person I thought to go to. When it had to deal with someone else other than my beloved I went to her but when it had to deal with her, I was stuck. I can remember thinking “Why don’t I have that first reaction to pray for her?” and feeling there was something wrong with that. I believe I feared to let Him in. But now, that has all changed. And I’m not trying to say “hey look at me” but I’m trying to say is that I don’t know how I survived as long as I did without having that first reaction. I have obviously seen the consequences of that as it brought our marriage to the doorstep of destruction but it is ultimately her who has chosen to end it. But I am thankful that my first reaction has changed. And how did it? Because I had to force myself in the beginning to go to Him because she was no longer there and because only through Him would I be able to survive this hell. And now, when I wake up in the middle of the night with painful dreams of her, I immediately go to Him. Sometimes it’s just to say “help” but I know He is listening and I know He cares. It’s all I know to do because I feel at many times that only He can truly understand and only He who wants to listen. Especially when it’s been almost a year many people, not all, seem to have forgotten the devastation that has happened in my life because I feel they don’t want to be bothered with it any more. I feel as if they want me to move on so they feel better or so they can act like nothing has happened and continue friendships with people who have destroyed a marriage or support it’s destruction. People ask me how am I different and the first thing I say is my “response” has changed. I find myself going to Him with everything and usually immediately. So that’s how I know I have changed and continue to change. And yes, I do feel sorry for her that she does not want to take part in this change in me. I feel the things that she desired in a man, the things that I failed at, I am becoming and growing into. I have been told I can’t change. I have been made to feel my failures are unforgivable. But I know that’s not true. Now I may not know of it but I know someday she will realize that. I know that someday the blame will no longer be able to be put solely on me. But I know that this change is not primarily for her, no matter how much I want it to be, it is primarily and ultimately for my Father.