Keepin’ Busy
So yeah, my week started out shitty. But I definitely bounced back by keeping mad busy.
Tuesday night had a killer show at The Anchor. It was the final tour/show for Life In Your Way. They of course killed it. Chad, BIll and I wondered why the good bands, the one’s with amazing hearts for the Lord and lyrics that actually mean something for the most part don’t ever break. There are a few that actually have. And it’s usually the bands with “scene” written all over them that do. It’s frustrating. The Glorious Unseen closed out the evening. And it was exactly what I needed. Ben’s songs have truly helped me this past year and no matter how many times I hear them or when I hear them I break down. I couldn’t even stand, I just had to sit with my face buried in my hands. Again, it was much needed.
On Wednesday I got to grab lunch with an old friend, David Lipscomb, or D-Lip as I like to call him. The guy had to battle pancreatic cancer this year but he’s ok. One of those few cases where they could operate. It was encouraging to talk with him. I then got to see a special VIP show for my bud Corey Crowder at the Basement in the evening.
My Thursday morning men’s group has been going good. It’s good to have a few guys to really open up with and also be encouraged by. It’s also good to know how to pray for them as well as they too have their own struggles in their lives. We’re trying to find a book to tackle together. I wish I had this kind of community years ago. In the evening the Storm The Gates Of Hell Tour was in town. It was killer to see Advent, The Famine, and Oh Sleeper. I’ve been wanting to see all 3 of those bands and they didn’t disappoint. Not to mention it was great to see boss Fitzhugh and the mighty LIving Sacrifice steal the show, though maybe I’m bias. It was just insane how tight they were live. Demon Hunter showed up in full force too backed by a killer light show provided by my ol’ friend Stemac. I only wish Ethan would have been jammin’ too. It was great to see and hang with so many friends that night. I had some great conversations and just simply enjoyed seeing so many old friends and talking with some new friends more than watching the metal mania. I closed out the evening with the DH guys and crew at Robert’s Western World on Broadway with a PBR in hand. Fun times.
I decided that I’d see a bunch of movies this weekend. And I did. I needed to vege out after a week full of late night shows. I watched In Bruges Friday night. It wasn’t what I expected but ok overall. Definitely some funny moments but also some weird dark stuff that didn’t sit with me too well for some reason. I caught a showing of Wall-E Saturday afternoon with the Boer family. It was funny, Pixar barely lets me down (Cars was the only time) and the CGI was insane. Wall-E, the robot, was cute as heck. It was even more fun since I had kids sitting next to me while watching it. I loved hearing their reactions, even some kid down the row who cried when (spoiler alert) it looked like Wall-E had died. Plus, Cade loved sharing his Hot Tamales with me. Later in the evening I went over to the Boer’s to do some laundry. I played some Wii with the kids and then after they went to bed Eddy, Debb and I took it outside for some smokes and brews. A clear night sky and good conversations. It was one of those moments that make you realize how enjoyable a summer evening with friends can be. Again, I can’t thank my friends who have supported me enough.
Church has been challenging lately. I have been experiencing more prophetic type teaching from the pastors that speak and spirit led Sunday mornings that don’t follow the normal church formula. And I like being stretched right now. It’s good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I have come to realize that I will never full agree with everything that goes on in a church, and that’s ok. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, which at Grace Center they do for me. I wrapped up my movie weekend with a showing of The Incredible Hulk in evening with the McNeely’s. I was blown away by how good it was. I needed another movie to be into since Indy and M. Night let me down. Yes anything could be better than the last Hulk movie but Marvel Studios did a really good job with this film. It’s definitely in my Top 5 of the year so far. I only hope Ed Norton returns for another film.
Overall at work I’ve been busy launching new web-stores for John Reuben, Parachute Band, and Tonex, as well as working with our designer on some killer new merch designs for The Showdown (Heavy Metal Til I Die & Thrash 24/7), Inhale/Exhale, (Ring & Wolf) and Since October. Unfortunately CMCentral decided to end all the online blogs, so there won’t be any more posts at “Want Salt With That?”. But I did finish some articles on The Classic Crime and Nevertheless for HM Magazine recently, so those should be out soon.
Well, that’s the latest. And if it bored you, too bad. You didn’t have to read it.
It’s over.
So, yes, it’s all over. I can think of a handful of days this past year that were just hell and yesterday was one of them. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how someone can do what has been done and then also try and take everything and or demand to get everything back in order to almost erase any memory of a marriage. So yes, I feel I took the high road in order to end it. I know I have always been more than willing to compromise. I know I have never asked for 50/50 though you would think that a marriage ending the way ours had would result it that, but it doesn’t. I pray I did the right thing. I do feel I was taken advantage of because I broke down and just wanted it over. I just don’t think I could wake up this morning knowing that all this shit was still looming over my head. I need to move forward. Though it is hard waking up feeling walked all over and beaten down. I do wish she would have had to look at me in the face and sign the papers just like she had to look at me in the face when she married me. I just pray and hope to God that no one I ever know has to go through anything like what I have the past year. But I do know that if someone I know does, then I will be right there by their side hopefully knowing what to do and not to do. To those that have stood by my side, and continue to, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You will never know how much your support has meant to me. Here’s to the future, may I honor Him, and trust in His timing for my life.
A year ago today
It’s hard to think back to a year ago today. It’s a day I never thought I would have in my life. It was a conversation I never thought I’d have. It was hearing every man/husband’s worse fear. I just never thought it was possible in our marriage. I remember saying “Not you” a lot. I remember just feeling paralyzed. I still can’t believe that she never said “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” to my face and still hasn’t. I still can’t believe everything that has happened has actually happened. I think it’s because I chose to remember the good times. I chose to remember the memory of her and not the current her, if that makes any sense. And maybe that’s a bad thing now. Because the person I knew, the person I fell in love with, could not have done any of this or would have atleast not run away. And that’s what makes today so hard. All I can remember now is pain. I think back to a year ago now and nothing but pain, hurt, betrayal, lies, and deception come to mind. But a few months ago when I would think back to a year ago I would remember happy times. So for me, there was hope, even though it was hope masked in memories. But not now.
I never thought I could make it this far. But I have. I never thought I could face fears I never thought could exist. But I have. I never thought facing one’s failures could be so freeing. But it is. I never thought I could be that forgiving. But I have. I’m not happy that things have been ended up this way. But maybe she is. Am I happy with how I have handled this? Yes. I know I have not done everything right or been perfect, but I know I have done everything I can. I am thankful for the life He has given me because I know He doesn’t let anything happen to us that we can not handle. And now it is a time for rebuilding.
New Ink
So yeah, I got a new tattoo today. Mike from Music City Tattoo hooked me up. It’s been nice that every tattoo I have has been done by a different artist and at a different place. But I think I might keep going back to Mike to finish up my arm. I wanted to get something to work in Psalm 57:1 but had the Sailor Jerry artwork that I love so much. Not the best pic, so come check it out in person if you want.
Failing Forward…thanks Jay
So my friend Jay just blogged about a book he is reading called “Failing Forward”. Jay’s comments on the book make me want to go out and pick this up and start reading it right away. Here they are:
“It’s interesting how the majority of a persons battle when he or she fails is not the failure itself, but the mentality you take when moving beyond the failure. Here are some thoughts from the book.”
FAILING BACKWARD
- Blaming Others
- Repeating the Same Mistakes
- Expecting Never to Fail Again
- Expecting to Continually Fail
- Accepting Tradition Blindly
- Being Limited by Past Mistakes
- Thinking I am a Failure
- Quitting
FAILING FORWARD
- Taking Responsibility and Moving Forward
- Learning from Each Mistake
- Knowing Failure Is a Part of Progress
- Maintaining a Positive Attitude
- Challenging Outdated Assumptions
- Taking New Risks
- Believing Something Didn’t Work
- Persevering
Something I have had to deal with a lot this past year is my feelings of being a failure. I have felt at times that the reason “we” fell apart was solely my fault. I know it’s not true and after reading this it helps solidify even more that that is not true. Why? Because I know that it is not me who blaming someone else and I know I have not quit. It is really unbelievable how much blame has been put on me but I know it’s birthed from justification. And justifying our actions is not taking responsibility, it is saying “You betrayed me before I betrayed you”. I have taken responsibility for my failures and problems. I have learned from my mistakes. I know there are problems and failures in all relationships and that it is part of the process of building depth. And more importantly, I am willing to walk through those times of pain in order for the outcome to be something greater. That is failing forward and not failing backward. I have taken risks and made sacrifices in order to face my failures so that there would be growth. I have persevered by the strength and grace of the Lord. Yes I do struggle with feeling that I will continually fail but I know deep down that it was not me who gave up. I have my faced my failures and the worse shit any husband should have to face head on in order to fail forward. Someone told me through this crisis that living the Christian life is about living forward and not living the life of our past and I believe that applies to this. Meaning that we shouldn’t go back to our life before Christ and live like that again which I feel is failing backwards. I hope and pray that I am able to continue to fail forward. So thanks Jay for sharing. But I probably need to finish one of the other 5 books I am reading before I go pick this up.






